Musings

I have been a hypochondriac since childhood. Whatever ghastly illness of the week I was suffering from, the inevitable panic was sometimes allayed by a visit to a doctor, where more often than not I felt like an idiot, or it just dissipated with time as I found that I had no real symptoms and I was still alive. As I matured, I found that although I was still apt to take on board the most rare and deadly disease possible, I was far more sanguine about my state of health. In fact, I suspect there was an element of 'it can't happen to me', because until then, it hadn't.

Now I find that, in common with almost every cancer patient I know, anything that is even slightly awry is cause for panic. A little over a month ago I watched with horror the appearance and daily growth of a mole-like object on my leg. It started as a small, white bump that morphed from a pale pink to a darkish brown. I was convinced that my body was breaking out in melanomas but people who should know what a melanoma looks like put my mind at rest. The mole or whatever it was, darkened, hardened and has since disappeared. But this is the way it is - an unexpected twinge where there had never been a twinge before, a bout of gas, fatigue, a pimple, all become the focus of a fear that my cancer is manifesting itself in a new and dangerous way.

Liron (my erstwhile psychologist) had asked me to assign a number to my anxiety level on a scale of one to 10, (10 high) and I'd said four, which is probably why he decided I wasn't really in need of his ministrations. However, those moments when I feel something amiss, my anxiety levels are off the chart.

I watched carefully for side effects from the Tomoxifen and sure enough, just under a week after beginning with half a pill, I suddenly had a vaginal discharge. As the leaflet accompanying the medication clearly states that in the event of a discharge, stop taking the medicine immediately and call a doctor, I went into panic overload. I don't know Sarid's number so I called Hannah, who didn't seem very concerned - she just told me to go to the gynecologist. There was no recurrence and, a few days later when I kept my appointment, the gynecologist's examination calmed me down completely. It was nice going back to the old days when a visit to a doctor ended with a clean bill of health. I'm resolved to steer clear of unfamiliar toilets. A few days later, the day after I began taking the pill whole, I woke up with pain from mid-buttock all the way down my leg. Again, the leaflet sent me into a cold panic because it seemed I was having a bad reaction in my pelvic region. However, an hour or so later, the pain was gone and it hasn't yet returned. Either my body was having an initial response to the medicine - or we simply need to buy a better mattress.