Hiatus

The period between the cessation of treatment and my appointment with the oncologist was, despite predictions to the contrary, almost tranquil. With no treatments to undergo and no medication to remind me of what I'd had, I was almost able to enjoy the illusion that life was returning to normal.

I returned to work on October 16, after Rosh HaShana. I approached the day with a sense of heaviness, resenting the need to fling myself back into the pressure of a profession that I'm becoming increasingly less enthusiastic about. Although I work in a small company, most of my colleagues don't seem to know about my cancer and just assumed I'd been off on a carefree vacation for three weeks. By Monday, I was feeling better about being back, the workload not being particularly onerous. My boss, who had shown patience and understanding while I was undergoing treatment, seemed to expect me pick up where I'd left off pre-cancer as if I'd suffered nothing more than a particularly nasty bout of flu that had now passed. The CEO, who'd regaled with me with horror stories of the cancer experiences of a close friend of his, told me that he'd almost called to convince me not to take time off during the radiation treatments, for my sake, he averred, not the company's. I told him that the emotional as well as the physical effort of traveling daily to the hospital had taken its toll and I had been correct in taking the time off. All in all, my employers have been supportive and considerate.

I'd contacted the 1 in 9 organization a few weeks earlier and the very sympathetic and knowledgeable volunteer I'd spoken to had told me that many women have an emotional crisis during the month-long period between the end of treatment and their next visit to the doctor. I remember the period between learning I wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy and beginning my radiation treatments as being emotionally difficult because for the first time since receiving the devastating news of my cancer, I was faced with downtime - no test results to wait for, no appointments to keep, just timeout for contemplation. The lack of action forced me to confront my mortality and go to the next stage emotionally, Now, during this longer, one-month hiatus, I found, unlike that earlier time, I began the day with a smile, which I more or less maintained until flaking out in front of the TV at around 9.00 in the evening, waking up around 11.00 in time to go to bed.